Cynthia (54) is married, a mother of two children, and works at a bank. For years, she was the one who managed everything at home. Until she noticed that her reactions began to change. She became shorter, harsher, and more easily irritated. “I was startled by myself. That is actually the best way to put it.”
My husband would say something minor, and I would immediately feel resistance. My children would ask a question, and I’d hear myself snapping. Afterwards, I’d stand there, almost as if I hadn’t been the one to do it. That was the worst part for me.
Cynthia was used to juggling many things at once. Work, housekeeping, family: she enjoyed organising everything. Gradually, that began to change. “My head became crowded. It felt as though everyone wanted something from me at the same time, even when that wasn’t actually the case.”
The changes were particularly noticeable at home. She started sleeping poorly, became tired more quickly, and had less patience. Sometimes, she saw the helplessness in the eyes of her husband and children. “I found that awful. In those moments, it just felt as though I couldn’t do otherwise.”
Her relationship with her husband also began to shift. If he wanted to hug her, she would often pull away. “Not because I consciously wanted to distance myself. I simply didn’t have the space for it. And afterwards, I’d immediately think: what am I doing?”
That distance made her feel insecure. She began to question whether she still found her husband attractive and whether she still felt the same about their relationship as she used to. She kept these thoughts to herself. “I didn’t even know myself what those feelings meant. So what would it achieve if I said them out loud to him?”
She wasn’t used to talking about her feelings. “At home, we don’t easily talk about what’s going on inside. You just get on with it and keep going.” So she pretended it wasn’t that bad. But it was.
One evening, Cynthia sat alone at the table after the rest of the family had gone to bed. “All I knew was that I no longer recognised myself.” A friend mentioned that she had experienced similar changes during menopause. That got Cynthia thinking. “Am I still doing what I want? Does my relationship still make me happy? My job? Suddenly, I started re-evaluating everything.”
Wanting to understand whether menopause could be playing a role, Cynthia made an appointment with her doctor. She dreaded it. “With hot flushes, you can say: I have fifteen hot flushes a day. That’s concrete. But what was I supposed to say? That I’m no longer sociable and sometimes don’t even know how I feel about my husband?”
The doctor took her concerns seriously and suggested she speak to someone. Not to immediately label her feelings, but to help her better understand what was happening. “I’d never really learned to talk about feelings. But by then, I knew this: I wasn’t going to get through this by just pushing on even harder.”
Through these conversations, Cynthia realised how much she had always done for others. “Everything revolved around my husband, my children, my work, and the household. When someone asked what I needed, I didn’t even know the answer. That really was a wake-up call.” She learned to make small changes: pausing before reacting, saying when her head felt full, and not immediately trying to solve everything.
“And above all: talk.”
The first meaningful conversation with her husband happened spontaneously in the kitchen. Cynthia told him that she no longer recognised herself and was feeling overwhelmed more easily.
“I explained that my distance didn’t necessarily mean anything about him. That I didn’t really understand myself what was happening either.”
Her husband was quiet for a moment. “Then he said: ‘I thought you were distancing yourself from me.’ That hit home. Because that was exactly what I didn’t want.” After that, they started talking more often. While walking, cooking, or in the car. Cynthia also became more open with her children. She explained that she sometimes became overstimulated more quickly and occasionally needed some time to herself.
At home, the division of responsibilities gradually shifted. Her husband took over more tasks, the children started doing more for themselves, and Cynthia tried not to automatically keep going when her head felt full. “Sitting down for a moment and doing nothing felt uncomfortable at first. As though I was leaving something undone.”
What changed most of all was that Cynthia no longer had to carry everything on her own. She could express what was happening without needing to solve it immediately. “The guilt hasn’t completely gone away. It just no longer controls me.”
Now, Cynthia has been in menopause for about two years. The restlessness she felt at the time has significantly decreased. She didn’t want to leave her relationship behind. However, she did discover that her job no longer suited her.
“My job caused me too much stress. I now have work with lovely colleagues where I feel much better.”
What does she most want to share with other women?
“If you no longer recognise yourself, don’t keep carrying it alone just because you can’t explain exactly what’s going on. For me, things only started to change once I began talking about it.”
During menopause, changes in sleep, mood, and resilience can affect how you feel and react. At the same time, such symptoms can also have other causes. It’s important to discuss persistent or severe symptoms with a healthcare professional.
At SeeMe-nopause, you’ll find information about menopause, possible symptoms, and treatment options. Would you like to discuss your symptoms and options personally? You can start an online intake.
Cynthia’s story describes her personal experience. Psychological symptoms and changes in relationships can have different causes.
