Kim is 14 years old, attends school, and is in the midst of puberty. While navigating her own turbulent life, she notices that her mum is no longer the same person she used to be. The hormonal cocktail of menopause and puberty has shaken up their relationship. Kim: "My mum and I are pretty close, but lately it feels like we're constantly clashing."
I now understand where her reactions come from and can let it go more easily instead of getting angry myself.
Menopause started for Heleen, Kim's mum, with intense hot flushes. "I had no idea what the word even meant, but suddenly Mum would start sweating at the slightest thing and turn red," Kim explains.
"When I was feeling cold, she would be boiling hot. And often, she'd also get irritated or angry. If I asked her if she was okay, she'd snap back. 'What do you think?' she'd say, even though I was just trying to be nice."
Things at home are completely different now, and as an only child, Kim often bears the brunt of it: "I was just sitting on the sofa scrolling through TikTok, not doing anything else, when she came into the room and suddenly yelled at me to stop being on my phone so much and do something else," Kim shares.
"I was startled and didn’t know what to say because I wasn’t doing anything wrong. It made me angry too—why can’t I just do what I want? And why does she have to get so mad right away?"
Kim admits that she’s not always the easiest person to deal with either. "I can be moody sometimes too, but my mum used to understand that. She got me, even without us having to talk about it. Now, we just seem to clash a lot," Kim says.
"I came home late from a friend’s house recently, and we had a big row about it. I felt guilty afterwards because I was indeed late, but I was also frustrated. Why does everything have to be so difficult, and why does everything blow up so easily?"
Even when Kim wants to share what she’s dealing with at school, her mum seems to have little patience for it. "We used to talk about everything, and she’d give me advice, but now I feel like she’s thinking: stop making such a big deal out of it."
Recently, Kim has started to understand what’s going on. "My dad told me that Mum is going through menopause. That’s why she gets irritated sometimes, but she doesn’t mean it that way. It was nice to hear that. Dad said it wasn’t my fault, but Mum’s."
Shortly after her talk with her dad, Kim’s mum also explained what was happening during a calm moment. Kim: "She told me that her hormones make her feel out of control and very different from usual. She also said she always feels guilty and awful after we’ve had a row because she knows she’s being unreasonable with me. That’s when I realised she can’t help it. Menopause makes her feel confused, and I can understand how hard that must be."
After the conversations with her parents, the atmosphere at home has thankfully improved a lot, according to Kim. "I now understand where her reactions come from, so I can let it go more easily instead of getting angry too," she explains.
She also notices that her mum is really trying to find peace, both for herself and in their relationship. And while the two used to clash because of all the hormones flying around, Kim and Heleen are now able to connect in the midst of that same chaos.
Kim: "Now that I understand what’s going on, we can talk about it and even laugh about it. Last week, I went food shopping with her, and we got into another argument. I don’t even remember what it was about, but at some point, we looked at each other and just burst out laughing," Kim says with a grin.
Oh, and tonight Dad’s out, so Mum and I are having a movie night on the sofa. It’s actually just like it used to be, except now she’s sometimes sweating. And honestly, we just laugh about that now too.
