Jos (52): “It feels like I’m in a marriage with someone I don’t know”

The changes in Jos and his wife’s relationship didn’t happen overnight. Jos: “It started with small things. Jojanneke suddenly became more easily irritated by things that never used to bother her. If I said something that would normally make her laugh, I’d suddenly get a sharp response.”

These changes began to affect their daily lives. “We started having a lot of arguments instead of good conversations. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right anymore.”

For partners, it can be difficult to watch their loved one struggle with menopause symptoms. “I sometimes feel so powerless,” Jos admits. “I know there’s nothing I can do to change her situation. I try to be there for her, but that’s not always easy.”

Dealing with unpredictable mood swings can be challenging for a partner. Jos: “Her mood is all over the place, and I often don’t know what to expect. Sometimes she’s sad and cries easily. Other times, she’s angry or just quiet. Sometimes I think: oh no, my wife is losing it.”

Fortunately, there are still plenty of good moments, Jos assures. “But it’s the unpredictability that makes it hard for me. If I try to help, it’s not right, and if I do nothing, that’s wrong too.”

Jos also sees that his wife is going through a lot physically. “She sleeps poorly, has joint pain, and is much more tired than usual. That, of course, doesn’t make her feel any better.” Jojanneke’s symptoms have also affected the intimacy in their relationship. “There’s less physical intimacy between us, and I miss that. And not just physically—emotionally, she also seems more distant. It’s painful to see her withdraw like that.”

Despite the situation, they are trying to find their way together. “I know it’s not personal, and she tells me that often enough. She’s struggling with it herself and says she doesn’t recognise her own behaviour.”

How do you support someone when you don’t really know how to help? Jos does so by giving Jojanneke the space she needs during this phase. “I show understanding and let her know that I’m always here for her if she needs me.”

In addition, he continues to educate himself on the subject. “I read a lot about menopause and regularly check forums and blogs to read about other people’s experiences. That helps me understand how intense menopause can be. I really had no idea,” Jos admits. “And I try to be patient because, of course, I want things to stay good between us.”

Jojanneke has now been on hormone therapy for a few weeks. “We first read a lot about it online. Then Jojanneke went to the doctor to discuss whether it might be a good option for her,” Jos explains. “The doctor was very understanding of her situation, and she’s been feeling much better since starting the treatment. She says it’s made a world of difference. And not just for her,” Jos smiles.

His message to other partners? “Stay patient, give each other space, and educate yourself. It’s a phase you have to go through together.”