How menopause is affecting the relationship between 14-year-old Kim and her mother: “I'm just as bewildered as my mum”

Kim is a 14-year-old girl going through puberty. This tumultuous period is particularly challenging for Kim. Since the arrival of menopause, her mother has not been acting like her normal self. The hormonal combination of menopause and puberty under one roof is having a huge impact on their relationship. Kim: “My mum and I used to be close, but lately we can't see eye to eye on anything.” 

Hot flashes and rage

The first symptoms Kim’s mother, Heleen, experienced were intense hot flashes. “I’d never even heard of hot flashes. It’s weird seeing my mother sweating and turn red out of the blue,” says Kim.  

“She’d blast the fan on herself when I'd be cold. Or she’d get irritated about something random and fly off the handle. When I’d ask her if she was OK, she’d bite my head off. She could be really unreasonable. It didn't matter that I meant well.” 

“Why does she blow up over the slightest thing?”

The atmosphere at home has changed radically. As an only child, Kim is usually the one who has to bear the brunt. “The other day, I was minding my own business scrolling through TikTok, when she burst into the room and started yelling at me to get off the phone and do something productive.” 

“I was in shock and didn’t know that to say. I mean, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. It’s actually quite infuriating. Why can't I do what I like? Why does she blow up over the slightest thing?”  

Moody

Kim admits that she is not exactly the perfect daughter. “I can be moody at times, I know. But my mum used to be more understanding. She would get me without me having to explain myself. Now we're at each other's throats all the time,” says Kim.  

“A few weeks ago, I got in trouble because I missed my curfew. We had a full-blown argument. I felt guilty afterwards because she had a point. I was late. It’s all really frustrating. Why do things have to be so hard? I'm sick and tired of all the drama!” 

Kim also feels she cannot talk to her mother about her issues at school. “I used to be able to talk to her about anything and she’d give me advice. Now I have to be really careful what I say. It’s like she thinks I'm whining.”  

“Mum is going through menopause”

It’s only recently that Kim understands why her mother is acting differently. “My dad told me that mum is going through menopause. She doesn't mean to be moody, but she cannot help herself. It was kind of a relief hearing this. All this time, it had nothing to do with me.” 

After that conversation with her dad, Kim’s mother took her aside to explain what she was going through. Kim: “She explained that while I was experiencing a surge of hormones, hers were on a rapid decline, making it hard for her to manage her emotions and to feel like her normal self. She also said that she feels terrible when we fight and that she knows she is being unreasonable. This is when I realised that it wasn’t her fault. Menopause is causing her to feel bewildered and confused. That must be hard to deal with.” 

It helps to talk

Since talking to her parents things have been better for Kim. “I now understand what is causing her to react in this way, which makes it easier to not take things personally and just brush it off,” Kim explains.  

Kim also noticed that her mum is making an effort to keep the peace, both for her own sake and their relationship. Whereas their relationship used to be tumultuous with hormones flying all over the place, Kim and Heleen are now navigating these chaotic times without lashing out.  

“Now that I understand what’s going on, we can talk and even laugh about it. We almost got into an argument last week at the supermarket. I don’t even remember what the issue was, all I know is that we looked at each other and burst out laughing,” Kim says grinning. 

“My dad is out tonight, so we’re having a mother-daughter movie night. Just like it used to be, apart from mum breaking into a sweat every so many minutes. We just laugh about it now. It is actually quite funny!” 

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