Wies: "The best thing we can do is be kind to each other"

Sweat was pouring down her face. She didn’t want to make it worse, so she sat perfectly still until the hot flush subsided and she could take a shower. I saw it unfold. It was utterly unbearable.

That same friend also struggled with what she referred to as “mental fog.” “I just can’t think clearly anymore,” she said. “At work, I sometimes have to read texts ten times, and even then, I still don’t understand them.”

I don’t recognise these symptoms in myself, but I do experience other issues: poor sleep, irritability, and a reduced sex drive. Not exactly pleasant either. If menopause symptoms were to be categorised as mild, moderate, or severe, I’d place myself in the moderate category, whereas my friend would undoubtedly fall into the severe category.

My sister, on the other hand, doesn’t understand why everyone makes such a fuss about it. She wouldn’t even fall into the mild category. Why are the differences so pronounced?

Research shows that 80 per cent of women experience symptoms, and for 30 per cent, these symptoms significantly impact their daily lives. There’s still no definitive explanation for why some women are more affected than others.

However, certain factors do play a role. For instance, the age at which a mother experiences menopause can influence the age at which her daughter does. In our family of three women, this certainly holds true. My sister and I, like our mother, reached menopause around the age of 53. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll experience menopause in the same way.

Lifestyle can also influence symptoms. Smoking and being overweight increase the likelihood of an earlier and more intense menopause. Conversely, regular exercise and a healthy diet can help alleviate menopause symptoms.

Hormonal balance itself can make a significant difference. The decline in oestrogen and progesterone during menopause varies between women. Some experience a sudden drop, resulting in more pronounced symptoms. Others have a more gradual decline, leading to less severe symptoms.

Stress can also intensify menopause symptoms, as I’ve learned from personal experience. Women who are prone to depression are also more likely to experience depression during menopause.

In addition to these factors, there appear to be other, as yet unidentified, influences at play. Scientists are continuing to research the mechanisms of menopause and the reasons behind such significant individual differences.

What’s important to remember is that every woman experiences menopause differently. There’s no one-size-fits-all. This also applies to the duration. Some women are symptom-free after a few years, while others may continue to experience symptoms well into their 80s. The best thing we can do is to be kind to one another.

Wies Verbeek (58) is a journalist, founder of the website BLOW.nl, and author of the book ’n Beetje Leuk Ouder Worden, 101 verrassende en bewezen tips. She is currently navigating her own menopause journey.