Disa (52) is married and a mother to four children. She has lived in the Netherlands for twenty years. In her family, there was little discussion about the body or getting older, and certainly not about menopause. The topic simply didn't exist. Until her body began to change.
At first, I thought I was ill. Then I thought I had burnout. I started to wonder if I was losing my mind.
In her family and community, some subjects are just not discussed. Not even with her partner or her mother. “It’s not that it’s forbidden, but it’s an unspoken rule. You just learn what’s best kept to yourself.” It has always been that way for Disa. You don’t talk about your period, and you certainly don’t talk about what happens as you get older.
About three years ago, Disa experienced her first symptoms. She didn't immediately think of menopause. First came the hot flushes. “It was as if someone had turned on an oven inside me.” She thought she was ill. Then the night sweats started. She would toss and turn for hours and could barely function during the day. That’s when she thought it was burnout. Then, she started having sudden bouts of emotion or rage. She wondered if she was losing her mind. “I was ashamed. My mind wasn’t working the way it used to. Everything felt like too much. I was forgetting things. My body was changing, and so was my self-confidence.”
I tried to hide it for a long time, because among the people I know, there’s little room for that kind of vulnerability.
Her community expected her to provide, to endure, to be strong, and not to complain. To just keep going, always. “I always felt that your value as a woman was tied to your fertility and your ability to care for others. Menopause? That felt like the end of all that.” She felt like an outsider. Her husband noticed she had changed, but he didn’t understand. He asked why she was so irritable, why she cried so often. Disa couldn’t give him an answer. She didn’t really know herself. Her mother told her she should get outside more often for some fresh air and to ‘clear her head’. A friend told her that everyone’s busy and she just had to stay strong.
Eventually, she couldn’t get out of bed. She wasn’t ill, but she just couldn’t manage. Everything in her body was telling her to stop. That was the moment she reluctantly went to her GP. After she told him her story, he said calmly, “It sounds like you’re going through menopause.” “It felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.” Finally, she had recognition, and she felt proud for taking the step to seek help. Still, she wanted to deny it at first. Not because she didn’t believe her GP, but because she was afraid of what it meant. For Disa, the word conjured images of being old, cast aside, no longer feminine, useless.
The GP advised her to see a specialist. She was given leaflets, but she hid them at home. What if her husband saw them, or her children? Despite her fears, she went to the hormone therapist. “And there, for the first time in my life, I heard that what I was feeling was completely normal. That thousands of women go through this exact same storm. Not because they’re weak or too emotional, but because their bodies are changing. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of.” It felt like a liberation, but it was also painful. She felt she had been selling herself short for years. But talking helped. She received practical advice and learned to set boundaries. She started walking, writing, and practising breathing exercises. Small things that made a big difference.
Disa spoke to her husband again. At first, there was awkwardness, misunderstanding and long silences. “I told him honestly how I was feeling. He might not have understood everything, but he listened.” She has set boundaries with the people around her. She doesn’t tell everyone what’s going on, but she no longer stays silent when someone makes a remark. “Sometimes it goes quiet after that, but that’s okay.” Disa is doing better than before. She has accepted this new phase of her life. She is learning to cope with it all, especially with menopause and the reactions from her community. It takes time, but she understands her body better and feels more confident.
Perhaps you recognise some of the symptoms from this story. Are you wondering if you might be going through menopause too? The menopause test can provide you with some initial answers.
