Jos: “I feel like I'm married to a stranger in some ways”

Jos and his wife Jojanneke have been married for 25 years. They are empty nesters with two grown children. For many couples, the experience of children moving out of the family home creates space for a nice, quiet life. Unfortunately, things aren’t like this for Jos. Since menopause came on to the scene, Jos and Jojanneke’s relationship has come under strain. Jos: “Our marriage has always been harmonious, but lately everything has changed.” 

Gradual change

Of course, Jos and Jojanneke’s relationship didn't change overnight. Jos: “It started with little things, with her getting irritable over things that didn't bother her before, or snapping at remarks that would normally make her laugh.”  

Jojanneke’s mood started to interfere with everyday life. “Instead of normal conversations, we were constantly having discussions. I felt like everything I did was wrong.” 

“I felt powerless”

It can be difficult to see a loved one struggle with menopausal symptoms. “I often feel powerless,” Jos says candidly. “I know there's nothing I can do to help her. I try to be there for her, but it's not always easy.” 

Unpredictable mood swings can be especially tough on a partner. Jos: “Her mood can shift at any time, so often I don’t know what to expect. One moment she’s sad and crying her eyes out, and the next she’s angry or withdrawn. Sometimes I feel like she’s going insane.” 

“That being said there are still enjoyable moments,” says Jos. “It’s the unpredictability that is difficult to deal with. If I try to help, I'm interfering. If I ignore her, I'm insensitive. It seems like I can't get it right whatever I do.”  

I try to be patient and understanding, but I feel like I'm married to a stranger in some ways.

More than just mood swings

Then there’s the physical aspect of menopause. “My wife has sleep issues, joint pain and she’s tired all the time. Of course, this makes everything worse.” Jojanneke's symptoms have also caused intimacy issues. “We are less intimate than we used to be. I miss that in our relationship, not just the physical but also the emotional aspect. She can be very withdrawn, which is hard to deal with.” 

Try to be understanding

Despite the situation, Jos and Jojanneke are trying to navigate this new dynamic in their relationship. “I know it has nothing to do with me personally. She is very clear on that. It’s a struggle for her as well. It’s like she doesn’t recognise the person she has become.” 

How do you support someone when you don’t know how to handle the situation? Jos tries to give his wife the space she needs. “I try to be understanding and tell her I'm here if she needs me.” 

Educate yourself

Jos also tries to learn as much about menopause as he can. “I read a lot about menopause and I also look on forums and blogs for tips and guidance. I now realise how intense menopause can be for some. I wasn’t aware of this,” says Jos. “And, of course, I try to be patient. My marriage is important to me, so that means actively supporting my wife’s health and happiness.” 

Light at the end of the tunnel

A few weeks ago, Jojanneke started hormone therapy. “First, we went online to read about hormone therapy. Then Jojanneke went to see her GP to discuss the options,” Jos explains. “The doctor was sympathetic and supportive. He prescribed HRT and it works. She feels a lot better now. It has made a world of difference – and not just for her,” Jos smiles. 

What advice does he have for all the men out there whose wives are going through menopause? “Be patient, give each other space and educate yourself. It's a stage you and your partner have to go through together.” 

Personal experiences